Watching for terrorists on the Mighty Raritan

Greg Bean

Coda They say a rising tide floats all boats, and that's certainly true in Middlesex County, where the rising tide of Homeland Security grant money is apparently enabling the county to build its own navy.

According to a press release last week from the Middlesex County Board of Freeholders, the county has dedicated a 24-foot boat with twin 200-horsepower motors, ostensibly to patrol the Raritan River and keep us safe from terrorists.

The craft, which comes equipped with all the technological bells and whistles, can be run by a crew of two and costs $175,000. It will be operated and maintained by the New Brunswick Police Department and joins a $500,000, 40-foot fire rescue boat purchased by Homeland Security funds and operated by the Perth Amboy Fire Department, and a fully equipped dive boat being operated and maintained by a dive team in East Brunswick. A second police patrol boat paid for by Homeland Security funds is expected to arrive in July.

No word on whether they come equipped with cannon and deck-mounted machine guns.

New Brunswick Mayor James B. Cahill, however, said his city is "proud to take on this new responsibility in the fight against terrorism."

"This craft will ensure the safety of people traveling on, over and along the Raritan River," he said.

And how will it do that? Well, that's not exactly clear.

According to the press release, "In addition to patrolling critical infrastructure sites, the vessel will benefit community ferry service, expanded waterfront development in the city of New Bruns-wick and the Perth Amboy marina and other proposed marina facilities within Middlesex County. It would also benefit employees and passengers of dinner and excursion vessels, which have large passenger capacities and capabilities."

I guess that means - at least theoretically - that the boat will patrol the river in search of terrorists planning an attack on dinner boats, or fixing to invade Perth Amboy in a fleet of inflatable dinghies. In reality, it means they'll be using the craft primarily to enforce boating regulations on the waterway.

Golly, I feel so much better now, don't you?

Fact is, the Homeland Security grant program has become a fat entitlement bonanza that allows local and state governments to buy a bunch of stuff they don't really need at United States taxpayer expense.

And if the Middlesex County freeholders saw the chance to buy a spiffy new

boat to catch speeders on the Raritan with somebody else's money, I guess we can't blame them for taking advantage of the opportunity.

Certainly, in the grand scheme of things, a $175,000 police patrol boat is a more defensible expenditure than some others that have been made with Homeland Security grant funds, according to a report from U.S. Representative Anthony D. Weiner of New York. For example:

+ The $3,000 that was spent in Converse, Texas, to purchase a trailer to transport lawnmowers to lawnmower drag races.

+ The $48,500 that was spent in Sheboygan, Wisconsin, to buy a tractor tug that moves airplanes because the area was hosting a PGA golf tournament.

+ The $1.6 million spent to build fences around small Wisconsin airports at Kenosha, Rice Lake, Delton and Wassau. Apparently, the old fences weren't high enough to keep teen-aged vandals out, let alone potential terrorists.

+ The $7,348 spent to purchase bulletproof vests for police and fire department dogs in Columbus, Ohio.

+ The $30,000 spent to purchase a custom trailer to be used during the annual October Mushroom Festival in Madison-ville, Texas.

+ The $29,995 used to purchase an on-site paging system to be used at the state agricultural fair in South Dakota.

+ The $30,000 spent on a truck to pull a hazmat disposal trailer in Lake County, Ohio. Instead, the truck was used by an emergency management employee to drive back and forth to work. Officials found the truck parked at his house while he was away on vacation.

+ The $160,000 used to purchase eight large-screen television monitors in Montgomery County, Maryland.

+ The $100,000 used to provide Dale Carnegie public speaking classes for sanitation workers in Washington, D.C.

The list, as you can imagine, goes on and on - and in light of those almost criminal abuses of the Homeland Security grant program, spending $175,000 on a patrol vessel to catch motorboat speeders on the Raritan seems downright reasonable.

I just wish that instead of trying to justify the purchase with all that patriotic language, Cahill had told us what was really going on. Instead of that feel-good rigamarole about fighting terrorism, he could have said:

"Listen, folks, the federal government is throwing this grant money around like a bunch of drunken sailors on shore leave in Shanghai, and when they offered us some of the booty, we didn't have the heart to turn it down. We spent a pile of taxpayers' money on a really cool boat that we'd have bought ourselves a long time ago if we really needed it. But what were we supposed to do, let those guys down in Washington use the money for more Dale Carnegie courses?

"If someone offers you a neat toy like that, for free, you step up and take it. And when they give us the money for another one next month, we'll spend it quick as we can. Our mamas didn't raise no fools, and them boats is mighty purty. Fast, too."

I know. I know. That sounds a lot like the dialogue in that commercial about identity theft where some crook uses a couple of old ladies' credit cards to buy motorcycles. The difference is that those gals are the victims of fraud, and we're ...

Oh, never mind. I guess we all know what we are.

Gregory Bean is executive editor of Greater Media Newspapers. You can reach him at gbean@gmnews.com